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Entries for November, 2003

November 7th, 2003

paolo.santos.fans.club.

Posted by orange17 at 08:20 PM on November 7, 2003.

does the moonlight shine on paris, after the sun goes down?

malamang...


when the close-up jingle was starting to be the topic of every teenage girl in coffee shops, i wondered who was behind that voice everybody was talking about. the radio kept on playing the original song and all the tv networks showed the toothpaste commercial that has started it all. it wasn't long until i have learned about paolo santos.

okay.

so i thought paolo santos was this super cute guy na kulang na lang sumali sa boyband. after 'extensive research' [which took all my time during sundays], i finally saw 'what's-behind-the-power-of-your-smile colse-up-boy' paolo santos.

i admit.

i was alittle disappointed. it was hard to equate such a lovely voice with such...such... such face. he's payat and has a not-so-gwapo-and-ma-appeal look. but despite that, i came to love paolo santos ever since.

this was one performer who wasn't packaged because he possessed the deepest dimple and the cutest eyes. nor because he was devastatingly handsome, just like the other singers we know. nor because his body is like ricky martin's. he was packaged for his golden voice which promises love anew everytime you hear it. you hardly saw him on your television screens not because he is afraid that people will see his face and stop buying his cds but because... uhhmm.... i really don't know... =)

well what.ever.

all i know is that he owns one of the most romantic and tantalizing voices on philippine music today. and that is enough for his cds to sell out.

but i won't join his fan listing. i'm too healthy for it. *laughs out lakas*

Currently listening to: Paolo Santos's moonlight over paris
Currently feeling: nostalgic

14 drank orange

November 8th, 2003

christmas, the pinoy style

Posted by orange17 at 07:44 PM on November 8, 2003.

ever wondered how a typical pinoy family celebrate christmas? pagpatak ng alas-dose, ganito ang makikita mo:

1) gising time. mag-uunahan sa lamesa (as in unahan talaga talo pa ang mga kasali sa tour de france) kung saan nakahanda ang noche buena . actually, before twelve pa lang, marami na ang naka-upo sa lamesa. kung hindi naman, nakatambay na sa kusina.

2) kainan time. kung sino man ang huling magigising, wala na syang madadatnan dahil nilamutak na lahat ng kapamilya nya ang mga pagkain. nasan ang essence of giving and sharing sa panahon ng pasko? wala yan sa bokabularyo ng mga pilipino... lalo na't pasko at noche buena ang pinag-uusapan.

3) matutulog ulit. matapos mabusog, ang tipikal na pinoy ay matutulog na lang. kung hindi naman ay matapos manood ng fireworks sa kalangitan, ay matutulog na lang pa rin. bukas paggising nya, ibang araw nanaman, at kailangang kumayod dahil ilang araw na lang, new year nanaman. panibagong gastos ulit. nakakahiya naman sa kapit-bahay kung wala kang fountain na iilawan pagsapit ng enero uno.


take note, ang inyong nabasa ay applicable lamang sa mga pinoy na may kayang mag-celebrate ng christmas . sa hirap ba naman ng buhay ngayon, maswerte na kung may keso de bola sa hapag-kainan pagsapit ng pasko.

2 drank orange

the agony of being alone

Posted by orange17 at 09:30 PM on November 8, 2003.

haayy... i'm home alone... my parents are not back yet from wherever they are.


bata pa lang ako ganito na palage. iiwan sa bahay, kasama ang dakilang yaya. ngayon, PC na lang ang kasama ko. idagdag mo pa sila TV, ref, gas stove, sofa, CP, at telepono. my brothers are living in a different apartment, kaya wala sila dito.

sanay na ako na mag-isa. siguro pagiging eighteen na lang ang hihintayin ko para mabigyan na ako ng lisensya upang literal na mamuhay mag-isa [seventeen pa lang kasi ako, inis!]. siguro nga sa sobrang sanay kong maging mag-isa, nakalimutan ko nang magka-boyfriend. *tawa ng malakas*

honestly, hindi ko ma-imagine ang sarili ko to tie the knot with somebody else. pact ko na sa sarili ko na hindi ako mag-aasawa. even if price william asks me to.

bakit?

i don't believe in marriage. so sue me. my own parents are separated [may step-dad ako], and i have seen their marriage shatter before my very eyes. call it trauma, call it whatever you like, siguro yun nga ang naging pangunahing dahilan kung bakit ganoon na lamang ang pananaw ko sa pag-aasawa.

i may speak too early. why, at seventeen, marami pang mangyayari sa buhay ko. but i'm pretty sure about one thing, hindi ako mag-aasawa. but i want a child, though.

alam ko, malungkot mag-isa. pero tulad nga ng nasabi ko, sanay nako dyan. ako naman ang masasaktan, ako ang magsasakripisyo, ako ang talo. pero okay lang. kung may makakasama naman ako, ganun din. ako ang masasaktan, ako ang magsasakripisyo, ako pa rin ang talo.

at least, i'm saving one person from future heartaches. at the same time, also saving myself from same.
Currently listening to: gary v's pasko na sinta ko
Currently feeling: sabog

8 drank orange

November 9th, 2003

fucking script!

Posted by orange17 at 01:06 PM on November 9, 2003.

i just wish ricky lee or someone-who's-good-in-making-scripts is beside me now...

the drama fest is just around the corner and i'm stuck in ikalawang tagpo of my script.

sheesh...

everybody's expecting me to finish it by next week... i just can't put the fucking ideas together! they're all pressuring me to write something like this or close to like that. aargh! sila na lang kaya magsulat! eh sila pala yung may alam ng kwento eh! leche!

*lord, please habaan nyo po ang pasensya ko...*

if we win in the drama festival, i'll treat you all to boracay.

keep your fingers crossed.
Currently feeling: sabog nanaman

2 drank orange

losing grip

Posted by orange17 at 07:27 PM on November 9, 2003.

i think i'm going insane.

no, really. and the sad thing is, nobody believes me.

tough luck, huh?

they say lei, you're already crazy! or erwilyn, tangna, pinagdududahan mo pa ba sarili mo? eh siraulo ka naman na talaga!

har har har.

just because i do not-so-normal things the normal way makes me an ordinary psychopath. and just because i have an i-don't-really-care attitude makes me a mental patient. i think the proper term is that i am different . and its hard to be one.

but honestly, lately, i seriously think i'm having psychological problems. im having blank stares [especially in the afternoons] and i can't really sleep well at night because i'm afraid somebody would just grab and kill me. paranoia? all souls day hangover? i really don't know. then just this morning after leaving my script [which, by the way, is still at ikalawang tagpo] unattended, i took my physics notebook and started to review for tomorrow's quiz. and for which i think lasted a little over ten minutes, i just stared at my notebook eyes focused on the word 'measurements', when i was supposed to be memorizing the conversion table.[that stupid teacher of ours doesn't let us open our conversion tables during quizzes]

and then there's the constant mixing-up of people im supposed to text back...
ME: oo nga mare, i've heard nagbalikan sila...mare pakuha ng number ni miko nga pala... +message sent+
*polyphonic tone of close by paolo santos*
FRIEND NA WALA NAMANG KINALAMAN KAY MIKO: erwie? okay ka lang? wrong sent ka tol!
ME:+gulat mode+ *sabay bulong sa sarili* ay shucks! *punta sa sent messages, instead na mareng jen ang makita ko don, iba ang nakita ko*
*bulong ulit sa sarili* langya naman o, sayang pa piso ko!

im scared. i should be, im a student nurse, and i know when does psychological problems start.

or maybe im just being pressured too much. i mean, the first week of school was not so good. with physics, 7.30 classes almost everyday, and lunch breaks which nearly doesn't sum up to an hour a day, i wouldn't be surprised if i lose weight after the semester ends. [must be good news for me, but i don't really want that thank you very much]

i would like to think that all of these is a product of stress.
Currently feeling: crazy

4 drank orange

November 11th, 2003

F*CK.*OU

Posted by orange17 at 07:34 PM on November 11, 2003.

It's hopeless anyway. If you had a million years to do it, you couldn't even rub out even half the "fuck you" signs in the world. It's impossible. -- J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in The Rye


last year, as one of my friends bear witness, i have promised not to cuss ever again. we even agreed that if she hears me curse at something or someone, i would pay her 25cents. two hours later, she told me i had to pay her P5.75.

if you don't have your calculators near you or you just don't like numbers [haha..euphemism...], i would like to spare you the agony from this brain wrecking calculation. for a hundred and twenty minutes, i cussed twenty three fucking times. maybe half of them are just whispered, and the other half...openly spoken.

as history remembers it, i started to learn how to cuss when i was in grade school. and it became a part of me ever since. my mom would constantly remind me of my choice of words and if i get lucky enough, i get a crispy slap on the mouth to remember what she means.

"Kababae mong tao, ganyan ka magsalita! Aba, daig mo pa mga kuya mo nyan ah!"

it had been a disease of mine i can't get rid of. call me uneducated, bad-mouthed, cuss-loving bitch but i just can't stop uttering bad words . even in normal conversations, i couldn't peter out the amounts of curses i spit. as anyone of you may just think of how foul-mouthed teenage girl i am, and how some people may just say i lack the power to control my evil mouth-- i am seriously thinking a lot about this myself.

its not that i think cursing is cool that's why i love doing it, it had been a part of what they call expression; particularly my expression. although i honestly think this is a freaking superficial reason, and you might ask 'why can't you just tell your freaking mouth to stop cussing?'. well you see, i just fucking can't! and you may say 'well, it is just a matter of control'. and i answer, 'yes, it is a matter of control, of which i don't have any in my system.'

now, i have to buy some of that control over the market. in five months time, i would hopefully and with god's grace am having my capping. during this sem's enrollment, the college of nursing handed all incoming third years a sort of set of rules and corresponding punishments for their violations. and it includes saying bad words whether in uniform or not. if caught, or appropriately, heard, demerits will be given to that student.

if any of you has the cure for my sickness, please let me know. the clock is ticking...

and please... don't think i was brought up the wrong way, or that i grew up together with kenny of south park, or that my friends have fuck or shit written all over their faces, that even if it's written in chinese, i could still clearly read them... this is all about me ...
Currently feeling: nauseated

11 drank orange

November 12th, 2003

sad.

Posted by orange17 at 08:34 PM on November 12, 2003.

sad lang ako...

tangnang buhay toh...

aaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

walang kwenta tong entry na to kasi wala rin akong kwenta. paksyet.
Currently feeling: pissed

3 drank orange

November 15th, 2003

of sexually pre-occupied people...

Posted by orange17 at 04:03 PM on November 15, 2003.

i think me and my classmates are turning into sexually pre-occupied people...

we have been so open talking about sex, pekpek , etits , and the likes in everywhere we go. kahit sa jeepney, ampotah, yun at yun pa rin ang pinag-uusapan...

i dunno...

maybe because ngayong sem na to, masyado kaming exposed sa mga ganoong terms. like for example, sa health care 2 laboratory namin: super cool ang teacher... man, she talks about sex all the time! sa health care lecture naman namin: topic- maternal and child nursing... so hindi maiiwasan na pag-usapan ang coitus...

maybe it has something to do with our raging hormones, tapos sinabayan pa ng course namin where you can openly talk about those things, na hindi malaswang pakinggan.

pero hanggang doon lang ang extent ng pagiging sexually preoccupied namin... hindi naman kasi kami yung tipong sexually pre-occupied na baliw.

meron kasing ganon... like all they want to do is have sex and have sex and have sex. meron nga dito sa baguio, taong grasa na sexually pre-occupied. babae at lalake. you would really see na nagkakang-kangan sila sa gilid-gilid lang... liveshow kung baga...

meron din yung mga nasa loob ng mental ward... bigla ka na lang hahablutin tapos ipapahawak sayo yung sex organs nila, at yayayain ka pang makipagsex kamo!

hehehe... di ko ma-imagine na ganun ang mangyayari sakin if ever na mag-duty ako sa mental ward... langya, baka mahawaan pa nila ako... hehehe....
Currently reading: piliterri's maternal and child nursing
Currently feeling: cranky

24 drank orange

bulalakaw...

Posted by orange17 at 10:32 PM on November 15, 2003.

sa buong buhay ko, tatlong beses pa lang ako nakakita ng shooting star.

unang sighting-- grade one. ang winish ko: bagong story books.
natupad.

pangalawang sighting--grade six. ang winish ko: sana makapasa ako sa lab.high ng CSU.
natupad.

pangatlong sighting--kanina. ang winish ko: IKAW. oo, IKAW! ikaw na nagpapatibok ng puso ko. ikaw na dahilan kung bakit nabubuhay pa ako. ikaw na pinapangarap ko. ikaw...--na sana mahalin mo rin ako tulad ng pagmamahal ko sa iyo...

pero bumulong ang hangin...
"wag yan erwilyn, hindi nya kaya yan..."

nalungkot ako... pero ok lang... maghihintay ako... hanggang sa susunod na bulalakaw na makikita ko...

ikaw at ikaw pa rin ang hihilingin ko.
Currently feeling: sabog, as usual

2 drank orange

sheesh......

Posted by orange17 at 10:52 PM on November 15, 2003.

love stinks.......
Currently feeling: SABOG!!!!!

2 drank orange

November 16th, 2003

friendster mania...

Posted by orange17 at 04:44 PM on November 16, 2003.

i have found only one (as in isa lang...) highschool friend sa friendster... ewan ko kung nasaan ang mga iba ko pang mga klasmeyts at hindi pa sila naka-friendster!

ehehe....

add nyo ko kung trip nyo....

orange_heavens@yahoo.com....

wahehehehe....

masaya toh!!!!!!
Currently feeling: SABOG PA RIN!!!

2 drank orange

it's a hard-knock life...

Posted by orange17 at 05:35 PM on November 16, 2003.

"Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain thing for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted." --Tuesdays with Morrie


i belong to a broken family. i should not be really proud of it, but i am. my parents separated when i was in high school. a time when i should be getting most of the emotional support from my family while battling the teenage hormones and peer pressures.

but no. instead, i was comforting my mom and my dad, and trying not to keep my brothers worried about my emotional difficulties. [they were in baguio while i was back in our hometown, in tuguegarao.]

i never attempted to tell my friends about it, nor anyone else for that matter, about what was going on with my family. during that time, i didn't want them to know because i was ashamed of what my family is going through... so i kept it all by myself.

i would cry whenever i hear my parents fight. i would hear plates crashing, voices soaring... and i can't make them stop.

i would wake up in the morning [usually from a three-hour sleep only], and would go to school like nothing happened. i would hide under a mask where people think "Buti pa si erwie, alang problema.."

if they really knew at all... that i was struggling from within, trying to keep my family together, trying not to lose control of my self... i didn't have anyone to throw my garbage to, no one to share my problems with.

now, i look back and realize how strong i was back then. i was only fifteen, but i didn't give up. most would probably stow away or turn to drugs or to anyone or anything to lessen my pain. i only prayed most of the time...

i would still have those nights where the memories of those times linger and the voices resonate in my head... but i would just sleep it off.

the storm is finally over, but i am expecting more... hopefully i would be strong as i am...

sometimes, suicide crosses my mind... yes, i would not deny i am suicidal... but life is too beautiful to end it....
Currently feeling: happy

9 drank orange

que cera cera...

Posted by orange17 at 08:00 PM on November 16, 2003.

whatever will be, will be...

my friend ritch and i had the chance to walk together to go to the market just this afternoon. while walking, we were talking about what would we do after college. he said he's going to law school. i told him i also wanted to go to law school but i would have to have a job first. and the conversation went on and lead to one thing to another.

he said he'll want to marry at the age of 28. 'the ideal age' , according to him. because by that time, he reckons, he already has a financially stable life.

when i reached my jeepney line, ritch and i parted ways. i started to think about my future, as well, as i sat at the edge of the jeep. i would be graduating at age 19 and a bs nursing degree [i hope... ]. that is approximately four semesters and two summers away from completion.

after graduation, i would most probably take up the nursing board exam. if i pass, then i would most probably apply for a job in the Philippines . if i get accepted, i would probably work on that hospital, if the pay is good, for about three years or less. after getting the experience, i would most probably apply for a job abroad ... then work there for about five to six years...

by that time, i would be rich. then come home, start a business. if the business doesn't go well, i'll go back abroad and most probably stay there for good.

but then, with that kind of future in mind...

most probably, by the time i would reach the age of 30, i would be dead because i seem to be a workaholic....

so for now, i would just have to log-out and review for my physics quiz tomorrow.

i can always think about my future after i pass my physics subject.......
Currently feeling: dorky

7 drank orange

November 17th, 2003

wanted: textmate

Posted by orange17 at 07:10 PM on November 17, 2003.

i left my cellphone at home this morning. it was only when i was halfway to school when i realized there's nothing bulky at my left pants' pocket [that's usually where i put it].

of course, i was babbling around in the classroom how i came to have left my phone at home, and that i can't stand it. i have to borrow my friend's phone to constantly check my e-mail in yahoo! through GPRS... that's mainly the function of my phone nowadays...

when i got home [soaked, actually... rain caught me], i hurriedly went to my room and picked my phone up. to my horror, I RECEIVED NO TEXT MESSAGES!!!

from 7:30-6:00, nobody bothered to text me...

nakakapanibago lang....

before, my 300 peso-load would only be enough for three days. but now, i can stretch it to a month! i hardly have anybody to text at all. unlike before, walang tigil ang kmay ko sa kapipindot...

before, cellphone was regarded by many as a status symbol. but now, it had become more of a necessity, really. i remembered way before, texting was free! all you need to do is register your number at the nearest globe center for P250, and tadan! you have unlimited number of text messages to send.

those were the days... sadly, the capitalist telecom companies are too greedy to continue that kind of service anymore.

im running short of load, but textmates are still welcome.

i want to hear my new polyphonic ringtone [which, by the way, i can still download for free! ].

it sounds different if it was not played intentionally... or so i believe.
Currently feeling: rejected

18 drank orange

November 21st, 2003

i miss my tabulas...

Posted by orange17 at 05:21 PM on November 21, 2003.

haaay...

if you notice, i have not been posting lately.... reasons:

1) our modem broke down (my mom is not yet getting one till next week...bummer)

2) i'm tied with school... (physics, heca, and RELIGION are trying to dehumanize me.... oh lord, please help me!)

3) i have been thinking what script to write for the drama fest (yep, they changed the criteria... so i have to redo the script..)

4) i'm tired most of the time (with school and other stuffs... i doubt if i have been getting sufficient sleeps already...)

that's basically it... so don't mind the unupdatedness... something will be put up in the future...

i will miss writing here...

so i guess i'll just see you guys around... keep posting! =)

PS. anyone good in physics, pa-tutor naman jan!!! =)
Currently feeling: tired....

8 drank orange

aktibista

Posted by orange17 at 05:59 PM on November 21, 2003.

join kayo sa shared journal na ginawa ko...

aktibista......


tenchu.................................



1 drank orange

SMB (Sm-Baguio) tayo?

Posted by orange17 at 08:16 PM on November 21, 2003.

kakabukas lang ng SM-baguio (SMB por short..)

dapat pupunta kami ni ritch don, pero pinigilan kami ng hormones (sorry ritch, hindi ko alam ang tagalog ng hormones eh...) nya...

kaya eto kami, nasa isang net cafe... libre nya kasi kaya pumayag ako... wahehehe... hinihintay nya si belinda bright at maricar de mesa na dumating... magpapapirma raw ng kanyang FHM...

anyway, back to SMB... hmmm.... di pa ako nakakapunta don, pero syempre pupunta din ako. hindi naman kasi mawawala ang SMB noh... andon si martin, ogie at jaya ngayon... la lang...

wala ako maisip maisulat...

ang daming gagawin para sa physics pero hindi pa ako umuuwi... i deserve a break naman....

yun lang... susulitin ko na ang pagtatabulas, habang hindi pa ako nabibilhan ng bagong modem...
Currently feeling: sabog

7 drank orange

November 22nd, 2003

birthday mo?

Posted by orange17 at 06:23 PM on November 22, 2003.

lasing si redj.. ewan ko kung lasingg akow. nyahahahahahaha. ang galing galing bertdi kasi ni ellen pero wala ako dun!!!!!!! ang saya saya noh...

andito ako ngaun sa bahay ni redj... ayeste jen pala. hala ano katya un? dapat alshete ansun na kami.... sa kawalan ng mcdo kaya lang lasong si redj... ewan ko kung lasingg akow. nyahahahahahahaha. hindi naman siguru.....................................

ay uu! si neesh nasa bubong langyang lashengga ang aga aga! ANAK NG YOU KNOW WHAT... shanga pala... hindi ako si erwie.... nagpapanggap lang. ayun thank you sa pagbasa...

love,
you

PS... elen... walang regalo si erwie sayo.... nyahahahah!!!! masaya pala tong tabulas mo erwie!!!!
Currently feeling: LASHENG

2 drank orange

November 23rd, 2003

a place called baguio...

Posted by orange17 at 05:03 PM on November 23, 2003.

went partying till one in the morning...

legarda (baguio's answer to libis and malate) was closed for the SMART party, and gimbals was open bar and served free beers for the ABS-CBN whatta singkwenta party. actually, it looked more like the october fest party, beers everywhere.. if you know what i mean...

i crashed over at jenn 's house and stayed up talking to each other, catching up on each other's lives (we haven't been together for quite a long time) untill about 2.30.

i haven't been out and drunk this much for almost three months, so it was really good dancing till-you-die again. baguio was really full of showbiz people, with the ad congress and other stuffs goin on here. it's really nice to know its finally over (the ad congress) and everyone can go back to their normal lives again. roads will be back to the usual traffic, and the coding system will go on work again.

baguio is trashed.

i hardly recognize it.

SM just opened, and rumors say that next year, the construction of RObinson's will start.

people from all over are flooding session road. baguio's getting hotter and hotter as each summer pass. i heard that it is now one of the most polluted city in the country.

tsk tsk...

industrialization is slowly killing baguio. my friends and i were talking about what baguio has become now. all of us agreed that it was not the same baguio as it was ten years ago. the essence of baguio is dying.

one even said she now prefers tagaytay over baguio.

others may say that the fast industrialization of baguio is good news, more establishments=more tourist=more money. and it will eventually happen anyway, whatever resistance it may get.

but for the people of baguio, this is getting scary. trees are being cut down to pave way for sky scrapers. the traffic is getting worst everyday...

and i hate it.




_____________________
redj, may hang-over pa ako... ganda ng ginawa mong entry ah.... eheheh...
Currently feeling: crazy

12 drank orange

November 25th, 2003

old friends...

Posted by orange17 at 06:02 PM on November 25, 2003.

last night, after having dinner with odie, steve, jerome, and rocky at wendy's SM, a highschool friend texted me and asked if i could get to her dorm at that very instant.

i asked her why. vesan (her) told me that ronson is treating us to a dinner because its his birthday. i said no because i already ate, but sent my greetings anyway.

but they begged (i swear they did!) telling me that its been a while since we last saw each other blah blah blah. i eventually gave in...

so there i was, back with my high school buddies april, necie, china, ronson, and vesan. we are the only ones here in baguio attending the same school, but we hardly see each other and communication is limited to a few text messages.

we went to don henricos, ate and talked for three hours.

i realized i rarely know my other classmates' names back in high school anymore. they had to constantly remind me who's who. so i asked how are they all doing. turns out nobody is pregnant yet.

i can't help but remember what my life was like back then. high school's been one of the most memorable and best time of my life.

but now, it seems that i have lost spiritual connection with my old buddies. i don't know... they would always say somebody misses me and wants me to text them, but i never did. i was too busy with my present idiotic life that i have forgotten my wonderful days with them.

they know everything going on about me. i would constantly get messages from friends saying their congratulations for getting in white and blue and that it is nice to know that i'm still an active student journalist, or saying goodluck on the next drama festival with my theatre group.

of course i would text them back with my usual 'thank you' and 'musta na?' reply.

im not being a good friend. i know. i would make up for the lost times... i haven't been in my hometown for three years now, and i don't have plans of going back. bad memories.... if you know what i mean...

so anyway... i'll make a vow that i would text all my high school classmates and thank them for being a part of my life... and that i would always cherish the friendship we shared... even though we're miles apart...
Currently feeling: nostalgic

2 drank orange

ragnarok chu chu.......

Posted by orange17 at 06:26 PM on November 25, 2003.




What Ragnarok Character Should You Be?
Quiz by Angelhalo

2 drank orange

November 28th, 2003

mahirap magmahal... =(

Posted by orange17 at 08:18 PM on November 28, 2003.

kanina, trip na trip kong mag-sulat dito sa tabulas. okay na kasi yung modem namin...

tapos biglang... tinamad ako...

nung isang araw nahanap ko si *toot* sa internet. tagal ko din syang hinanap simula nung una at huli ko syang nakita. tapos ayun nga, nahanap ko sya. it turns out may tabulas din pala ang loko...

abot occipital lobe ang ngiti ko... dahil sa wakas... nahanap ko din sya... as in sobrang saya... sobra-sobra... kaya hindi ko na nabasa ang mga nakasulat don.

kanina ko lang napagtanto ang mga titik na nakalimbag sa malungkot nyang tabulas...

mga nakasulat don tungkol sa nag-iisang mahal nya... kung gaano sya ka-desperado dahil nawala ito sa kanya... kung pano nya sisihin ang sarili nya dahil sa nangyari... kung paanong ipinagdadasal nyang sana bumalik ito sa kanya, dahil sobrang miss nya na sya...

naluha ako... totoo. nasaktan ako... tanga kasi ako... eto ako nagmamahal ng taong ni hindi nga ako kilala...

gusto kong i-delete lahat ng entries nya... gusto kong ipasok yung kamay ko sa loob ng monitor tapos kung pwede lang at burahin lahat ng mga salita sa page nya... naiinis ako...

naiinis ako sa babaeng yon dahil minamahal sya ng taong mahal ko na kahit kelan ay hindi ako matatapunan ng kahit tingin man lang...

pero higit sa lahat, naiinis ako sa sarili ko... why did i fall for him? shit, apat na beses ko lang syang nakita sa tanang buhay ko! tangina, kung matatawag ba tong pagmamahal? fuck shit! pero eto pa rin ako.... kahit na sabihing walang basehan ang nararamdaman kong to......

shit shit shit......................

walang nagsabi sa akin... ganito pala kasakit magmahal......

sana magkabalikan sila ng mahal nya....... at least there's one less lonely person in the world.....




________________________________________
mahal kita, mahal mo sya... mahal nya iba na....
hindi ba pwedeng mahal mo ako, mahal kita-- bahala na sila???




sa nakakaalam kung sino sya.... pls.... wag nang baggitin ang pangalan nya............
Currently feeling: sobrang sad.....

11 drank orange

November 29th, 2003

i will be okay...

Posted by orange17 at 07:07 PM on November 29, 2003.

buhay pa ako. good news, di ba?

gusto ko lang malaman ng lahat, hindi ko tinagkang kitilin ang buhay ko kagabi. hindi naman ako ganon kababaw. kahit papaano, nairaos ko ang sarili ko kagabi na hindi humahagulgol ng iyak habang nasa kwarto at nakahiga sa kama.

naisip ko kasi, walang yong kabuluhan. kahit naman siguro umiyak ako ng chloric acid sa left eye at dugo sa right eye wala akong mababago. hindi ko mababago ang nararamdaman nya, ang tinitibok ng puso nya, at ang dahilan kung bakit nabubuhay pa sya. kahit na sabihin nating gusto kong i-murder yung kasintahan nya at itapon sa ilog pasig.

mahal nya yon eh, wala akong magagawa. siguro masyado akong umasa sa wala, kaya ako ganito. alam ko namang kahit bigyan ko sya ng tatlumpu't tatlong bilyong piso at ipapangakong uurong sa kandidatura si FPJ, hindi ko mapapalitan ang tunay nyang nararamdaman.

i can't make him love me. i can never.

sapat na yong minahal ko sya, kahit sa paraang alam kong ako lang ang masasaktan sa huli. ginusto ko yon, magdusa ako.

kung kelan nya ako makikita, hindi na ako umaasa. invisible ako sa kanya. kahit magkabalikan pa siguro si kris at joey, gumuho ang SM baguio, sagutin ni odie si steve... hindi, kailanman, nya makikitang heto ako, nagpapakatanga sa kanya... tawanan man nya ako, sabihang sira-ulo...

wala siyang magagawa dahil gusto ko sya... at wala rin akong magagawa at iba ang minamahal nya.

alam kong makakalimutan ko din sya... mawawala rin ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya...

dasal ko lang, maging masaya silang dalawa.

at huwag silang mag-alala... magiging masaya din ako balang araw.
Currently listening to: King's Maybe
Currently reading: JK Rowling's Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Currently feeling: crushed

9 drank orange

suicide?

Posted by orange17 at 10:31 PM on November 29, 2003.

Umm, you might consider suicide maybe a total of
about 10 times in your life. You think that
sometimes life can become too stressful and you
just wanna leave it all behind and die. But
don't worry. It will pass in time. I hope you
liked the quiz! Please Rate!!! `-)


Are you going to commit suicide? (PLEASE RATE) `-)
brought to you by Quizilla

2 drank orange

November 30th, 2003

last goodbye

Posted by orange17 at 03:41 PM on November 30, 2003.

what if tomorrow i may never wake up? what if tomorrow i will die? just a thought... a lot of things can happen in 24 hours, and one of those is dying. what if a psychopath just stab you in the chest while walking home with your friend? what if you just happen to be hit by a car with a drunk driver? what if later i just decide to take my own life?

a lot of people are afraid of death. just the word sends shivers down their spines. who would want to die anyway? but... if ever tomorrow i will be deprived of oxygen, i would want to say my goodbyes to a few friends who i know will read this...


for jenn :
jenny, you've been one of god's best gifts to me, have i ever told you that? i am ever thankful for having you. remember what i told you last night when you and i are talking at the messenger? that you constantly have to remind me that you're always there for me no matter what because i tend to forget that sometimes? please do, jenn. sometimes i am blinded with so much problems that i fail to see your hand reaching out, waiting for me to touch it. you have always helped me make it out the hard waters and into the dry land. will i ever know what i have done to deserve a friend like you? i miss the times when you, me, neesh, redj, and tinay hang-out and drink. somehow, being with you guys makes me feel a little less alone, a little more happy. i miss the times when i get drunk and cry the hell out in front of you guys and you will just hug me, rub my back and say 'i-iyak mo lang yan, tol. ok lang yan..' you'll never know how much those words mean to me. you have been one of the few people who have seen the real erwilyn lei solito. that behind the happy mask and the strong personality, there is weakness and sadness. i want to say thank you so much for everything . and sorry for my shortcomings, for not being there when you needed someone, for not bringing back the things i borrowed from you on time, for not giving the best advices, for doing nothing to solve your problems, for being secretive, and for being such a stupid friend. i will never forget you. i'll see you up there, jenn. i love you.

rock on.

for ritch :
boyfriend ritch, nais kitang pasalamatan sa lahat ng iyong tulong at lessons tungkol sa sex. nais din kitang pasalamatan dahil lagi kang nandyan upang makinig sa mga kabalbalang nalalaman ko. kahit minsan wala nang saysay ang mga pinagsa-sasabi ko, nakikinig ka pa rin. naalala ko nung binigyang buhay mo si Ka-I, hindi ko alam may natatago ka palang talento sa pag-arte. magkasama tayo halos sa lahat, sa white and blue, sa teatro nightingale, sa inuman, sa tawanan, at iyakan. naalala mo pa ba nung sabihin mong aalis ka na papuntang states? langya, pina-iyak mo kaming lahat. pero laking tuwa ko nang hindi ka matuloy. siguro may dahilan. sabi mo nga may dahilan para sa lahat, di ba? salamat nga din pala ikaw ang nagpakilala sa akin kay bob ong, na ngayon ay nagsisilbing inspirasyon nating tatlo nila rhymes. hindi ka lang mabuting manunulat, isa ka ring mabuting nilalang na may ginintuang puso. salamat sa mga aral sa pag-ibig at pakikipasapalaran. sorry dahil nawala ko ang cd mo ni lani misalucha. nasa'yo pa naman ang cd ko ng parokya ni edgar kaya patas lang. salamat sa lahat, tol. mag-iingat ka.

sana makolekta mo lahat ng fhm. mwah.

for rhymes :
ryan, ryan, ryan...ang aking yosi buddy...alam kong masaya ka ngayon sa piling ni guia. marahil hindi lang masaya--masayang-masaya. ingatan nyo ang isa't-isa. all the luck. sana magkatuluyan kayo balang araw. salamat nga pala sa pag sama sa akin sa pagyoyosi. kung alam mo lang, laking tulong non. alam mo namang yosi at inom lang ang paraan ko ng pagtakas sa masalimuot na mundong ito. bukod sa iyak. salamat din sa mga naitulong mo sa akin, hindi mo man sinasadyang matulungan ako. rhymes, you're a good person. alam kong malayo ang mararating mo. hawak lang ng mahigpit, you'll see. kahit na bihira na tayong magsama, at minsan sa gimbals na lang tayo nagkikita kung hindi man sa corridors ng adenauer, tandaan mong kahit papaano, naging parte ka ng walang kwentang buhay ko. salamat sa pagtawa sa mga corny jokes ko. sorry dahil tinawanan kita nung mag-text si badong sayo. eh tol, nakakatawa naman kasi talaga. good luck. tingin lang sa kalangitan, andun ako.

remember san beda.

for odie :
tol, kahit wala kang tabulas, susulatan pa rin kita. nakakatawa ano? opposite na opposite tayo pero best chummies pa rin. hinding-hindi ko malilimutan ang mga hapong kasama kita sa jeep pauwi. ang mga tsismis at pagkaing pinagsaluhan natin at ang mga corny jokes na pinagtawanan natin ng ubod ng lakas. kahit na pinagtitinginan na tayo ng mga tao sa loob ng jeep, carry lang. ikaw at ako, payat at mataba, kape't gatas, kahit na anong ipinagkaiba natin sa pisikal na anyo, magkaparehong-magkapareho tayo ng niloloob. naalala mo ba nung umiiyak sa sa loob ng cr? alam kong hindi ko kayang solusyonan ang nararamdaman mong sakit nang mga pagkakataong iyon, ngunit napangiti pa rin kita hindi ba? halakhak lang ang kaya kong ibigay sayo odie, ang gawin kang masaya kahit bumabagsak na tayo sa physics, ang pangitiin ka kahit alam kong nandyan pa rin ang sakit dulot ng una mong pag-ibig. isang napakalaking pasasalamat sayo... ikaw ang naging sandalan ko sa pamamagitan ng mga katatawanang sabay nating tinawanan. salamat sa mga payo, kahit walang kwenta ang mga ito. hindi ko man sabihing may problema ako, hindi mo na kailangang malaman pa ito--dahil itatawa at itatawa ko rin lang. kahit puro barkada natin lalake, at minsan ay pati tayo napagkakamalang lalake na rin, carry lang. hindi nila alam, isa kang tunay na kaibigan. tulad ni jenn, isa kang biyaya. alam kong darating din ang prince charming mo, maghintay ka lang. salamat sa saya't lungkot. friends hanggang magunaw ang mundo.

tataba ka rin.

for faith :
faith, maganda naming photojourn... sabi nga nila, we all have our own story to tell. and yours is one of the most colorful. masaya ako at nakilala kita. sa kakaunting oras, nagng close tayo. una dahil sobrang bait mo, at pangalawa, sobra kang nakakatawa. you brighten up everyone's day with your funny antics. iilan lang ang tulad mong may kapasidad na patawanin ang mga tao sa paligid. matalino ka, mabait, maganda... it's junie's fault, not yours. lost nya yon lola, hindi sayo. hindi kita makakalimutan ever. isa ka sa mga dahilan kung bakit masaya ang mga tao sa loob ng office. salamat sa mga ngiting naidulot mo sa akin. makakahanap ka pa ng ibang papa who will deserve you, and who you will deserve in return.

thanks for everything.

for ate ciao :
utang ko sayo ang buhay ko, di ba? hehehe... salamat sa hindi pag-iwan sa akin sa lunduyan. kahit na noong EIC ka, abot-kaya ka parin. si ate ciao na madaling patawanin, si ate ciao na institusyon, si ate ciao na may mahal na brix, si ate ciao na matalino at mabait. kahit bihira tayong magkasama, nakulayan mo rin ang buhay ko. tenchu sa lahat. lalo na sa tinuro mong kalandian.

mabuhay ka.

for ate rach :
mama rach, salamat sa mga yakap. they mean so much. ingat lagi. kahit mawala na ako. ang puso mo ay napakalaki, mag-iingat ka sa mamahalin. at ate rach, it was not a sign. alam mo na yon.

*hug*

for rocky, nicho, steve, marco, jerome :
mga tol, salamat sa lahat. magkita-kita tayo sa taas.

white and blue :
salamat sa pagkakataong binigay nyo sa akin upang kahit papaano ay masilbihan ang mga estudyante. sorry kung makalat ako sa office, sa mga late na articles, sa hindi pag-attend sa ilang meetings, sa pagkain ng marami sa GA, sa pagtawa ng malakas, at sa lahat ng pagkakamali ko. salamat naman sa kabilang banda dahil natutunan kong magkaroon ng sariling prinsipyo at natutunan kong lumaban para sa bayan.

ipagpatuloy ang magandang adhikain.

people in tabulas :
enjoy life, you can't get out of it alive anyways....
Currently feeling: levated

16 drank orange